Nuts in Nederland

If anything...being on Zoloft has actually made me more certain of myself and not worry about the unimportant stuff. The insecure, emotional and overly analytical side of me is long gone. Hallelujah! God, I wish I had this stuff when I was in high school.

At least now I can handle my mother-in-law.

This stuff is a wonder drug. I wonder how the f*ck I ever lived without it!

I had a job interview last Tuesday. I felt I rocked the interview and was sure I had the job in the bag. Until Friday morning. Then I started to doubt myself, felt fearful and convinced myself I didn't get the job. And that's exactly what happened.

It seems so often that when you desperately want something (someone to love, another child, a new job), it never seems to happen RIGHT THEN. Generally the moment you stop worrying about "it", enjoy your life as is it and just let nature take its course....WHAM...you get what you want. And often times better than what you dreamed. At least this has been my experience. It's just that the WAITING part sucks.

So here I am. Employed until May 2010 and only certain I have a job until then. After that? Who knows? Fortunately I have the luxury to leave anytime I find a new job, but I'm not eager to leave the university where I work as I cannot imagine a better place to work. I'd LOVE to find something internally, it's just that so far I haven't been successful. I am sure the right job at the right time will present itself. I just have to be patient.

I like stability. In fact, I CRAVE stability. And every day that I go to work it only reminds me that my days are numbered. I'd love to know that this permanent. I hate this uncertainty.

The one good thing about all of this is that the lives of my children doesn't change. Life continues on as normal. I continue to work three days a week, our nanny comes on those days and I have Wednesdays and Fridays off. I still get eight weeks of vacation (which is AWESOME!) and I am able to take most time off when the kids have vacation. It's the IDEAL set up. Hence, why I am in no hurry to leave. How could it get *any* better than this?

I know exactly what I would LOVE to do at the university. Work in their Language Center. They offer presentation skills for non-native English speaking students. As soon as I learned of my fate, I immediately sent an e-mail to the director expressing my situation and interest. It's just at that time there were no vacancies. And I will not know if there are any until next May (when my contract expires). With any luck, something might open up.

I've gone through a lot of soul-searching in the last few months. I think about what I *really* want to do and where I want to go with my career. I'll be 40 next May, so I don't want to waste time getting experience in the wrong career. I want to be building on where I want to end up and want to work in an organization where I will eventually retire. I'm not a big fan of job hopping. Remember? I like stability.

There are lots of things I like to do. I often had at least two jobs while I was in college, simply because I like so many things. I enjoy teaching (I substitute taught), I like technology (I worked in the campus computer lab), I love being around people (I was a waitress) and I enjoy helping others (I worked with at-risk youth at a non-profit). This gives me many options as I have many interests and talents. It's just narrowing it down to what I *REALLY* want to do and/or finding something that combines all those interests.

Life is full of choices. And as a mother and wife, my choices affect my family. First and foremost, I want to find a job that still allows me time to be a mother. I don't want to disrupt my children's lifestyle of eating lunch at home together and being able to play at home after school. If it means paying our nanny to continue to work for us when Max starts school, then I am OK with that.

I'm not sure where I'm going career-wise, but I do know whatever choice I make...it MUST be a job where my kids come first. Or else....I just go back to being a stay-at-home-mom and we live on one income. We did it before, we can do it again.

In the first six months of being on Zoloft, I was so happy to experience life in a peace-filled mind without a million obsessions making me feel I *had* to re-fill the soap container when it wasn't full, stock the toilet paper so it was always full, take out the trash every night and clean everything that wasn't spotless. I could finally just enjoy life and forget all the stupid little things that made me feel anxious.

I used to daily obsess about death. What if today I died? How could I leave the house with things a mess? I would hate for someone else to have to clean the house, do the laundry and vacuum the floor when I could do it before I left. I often ran late, because I couldn't leave the house without having taken out the trash, vacuumed the floor or folded the laundry. Crazy, I know.

Within the first year, I was taking 100 mg. of Zoloft and managed to put on 20 lbs. I was exhausted by 8 pm every night and often fell asleep (in my clothes) on the sofa watching TV or in bed. I had an overwhelming craving for sweets, especially chocolate, like I have never had before. Even though I had read that this was a normal side-effect, I continued to give in to the sleep and the sweets. It's easy to put on weight when you sleep too much and eat too many calories.

In the past few months, I decided to experiment with my dosage (without consulting my shrink). I gradually went down to 75 mg. and then to 50 mg. At 50 mg. I was more energetic, but started experiencing some of my old OCD behaviors. It only confirmed to me that 75 mg. was the right dosage. I wasn't as sleepy and completely un-phased by life, but noticed that some of the "neat freak" habits returned. But not to the full-blown OCD, anxiety-ridden, overwhelmed personality I used to have.

Since about a month ago, I have felt very sad. My ego has been bruised, because of rejected job applications, insults from my mother-in-law and just the overall negative self-image from being overweight (the heaviest I have ever weighed in my life). There have been times that I have been tempted to upgrade my dosage back to 100 mg. just to have that blissful state of "whatever". But there were times that I felt like a zombie and had no energy or motivation. And I don't want to go back to that.

Life isn't always happy. And popping a pill to escape "natural sadness" isn't healthy. I know life has its ups and downs. And considering the circumstances, perhaps it is good to feel unhappy. That unhappiness motivates me to want to loose the weight, find the right job that matches my talents, and above all it reminds me that I cannot live this life without God.

All along I have known that this funk I was in was temporary, but that I had to go through it first. Even my friends noticed that I didn't look happy. I hated that that "sparkle" in my eyes that they said I used to have wasn't there. I just felt lost. Lost within myself and couldn't get out of that pit.

This past Wednesday night after dinner while eating an ice cream, I suddenly realized if I hurried up I could make it to the 8 o'clock Body Combat class. That sad sulky mood I was in was *sure* to be changed after an endorphin kicking class like that. And boy did it ever. It's now two days later, all the muscles in my entire body (from my back muscles to my calves) ache. But it's a good kind of pain. It means I am strengthening those muscles that have long been neglected and I am working towards getting stronger.

Many things we have to start in life (like dieting, going to church, exercising) are difficult to start. They require WORK and DISCIPLINE. But once you start them, it's amazing how much it improves your self-esteem, attitude and outlook on life.

I'm doing what my mother told me, "Just concentrate on your weight first, the rest of your life will fall into place." Tomorrow morning there's a Body Attack class at the gym, and I'm already excited to go. For the first time in a long time, I'm excited about something....and the sparkle in my eyes is back.

Most days on my drive to work, I have the radio off and like to enjoy the sights and sounds from my 30 minute commute. I relish this time, as I am someone who craves time to myself. I need that on a daily basis and if I don't get that, I begin to feel irritated by everyone and everything. I just want to lock myself in my bedroom and escape. I had that feeling on Friday night and Saturday morning. And with Sunday being Father's Day, I was surrounded by family all day. Monday morning I woke up, got dressed for work and as a last minute idea decided to take a Mental Health Day.

I sent my boss an e-mail notifying her I needed a day to clear my head with regards to last week's disappointment (not getting the job as Alumni Officer). I have less than one year to reassess my career (before my contract runs out) and figure out what I want to do next. I'm now two for two: Two on campus solicitations, two let-downs.

I think about getting certified to teach English, which entails going back to school for a Bachelor's degree (which I already have) as well as investing at least three years of my life. But I'm not sure I'm up to that just yet. I love the university life and don't want to leave Tilburg University. My dream job would be to teach public speaking again. However, there are currently no vacancies on campus in the language centre where I could teach presentation skills to non-native English students. And for me, that would be a dream. But that possibility just isn't an option right now. So now what? Apply for the Communication Officer position that will be posted shortly for the Alumni Office? I believe I have a very good shot at that and matching qualifications, but I am afraid to get my hopes up. I've been disappointed twice when I felt so sure, so confident. I feel myself second-guessing myself, feeling insecure and wanting to cry. I hate this feeling. I want it to go away. I want my old life back.

I wrote out a five-year-plan for myself last year. And now that plan can be thrown in the trash. I don't know where I'm going to be in my career next year. The future is yet not clear to me and I hate this uncertainty. I like stability. I like certainty. I like knowing what's coming next!

So I took the day off yesterday. I got in my car and headed to Amsterdam. This is the place I go when I want to get away from it all. I love big cities. I love breathing in the sounds and smells of people rushing around, coffee brewing, buses shuttling people back and forth and being a part of other people's experience. I like to talk to strangers. I enjoy feeling like a local as I walk into stores and people immediately assume I'm Dutch and start talking to me in Dutch. It's such a compliment. After seven years in a foreign country, I have acclimated. I blend in and I have integrated.

As this was my second time going to Amsterdam alone, I've acquired two traditions. First, I always buy myself a little gift. Last time I bought myself a Momiji doll. I picked out the Giggles one as it seemed fitting to my personality.



This time I bought a cute key ring flashlight that moos like a cow.



The shop I went to, Nieuws Innovations, had several keychains to choose from: a duck, frog, pig, dolphin or monkey. In the end I decided on the cow since I used to live in Texas and here in the Netherlands you see a lot of cows as well.

The second tradition I uphold is having ice cream for lunch. Last time I ate at Ben & Jerry's and had my favorite Coconut Almond Fudge Chip.

This time I found a great little gelato place on Prinsengracht whose name I have forgotten. I had a double scoop of coconut and chocolate ice cream. LEKKER!

I also managed to buy a great summer skirt at my favorite clothing store, Pure Clothing Company.

I bought this one in lime green.


Although I had a great time driving and walking through all the streets of Amsterdam, one lesson I learned from this trip: TAKE THE TRAIN. Hourly parking in A'dam is highway robbery: FIVE EUROS PER HOUR. Forget that. And you still have to walk.

By the time I started my journey home, my Tom Tom was working this time and I was able to find my way to the highway. I thought I was smart leaving around 4 pm, but I still encountered traffic and it took me nearly two hours to get home. Door-to-door, taking the bus and train to Amsterdam can take up to nearly three hours, but at least you can read along the way and make acquaintances among your fellow passengers.

I accomplished what I wanted: A day to myself alone with my thoughts. My mind felt clear and I felt alive. It was only this morning as I travelled to work that I remembered my dilemma. Find a new job before May 2010. That reality made me sad again. But at least I have job, I have time, and I have a job that gives me the flexibility and vacation time to take a break for myself every now and then.

With the growing popularity of FaceBook, I've been able to reconnect with former classmates from high school and university, old colleagues, and friends from my childhood. I have even established new friendships.

Even being 4,000 miles away from the U.S., I feel transported back into my American life. Memories that have long been replaced with PTA meetings, staff meetings, and planning the weekly menu have been revived and relived.

To my surprise, I have learned the impression that I made on those who once were in close proximity to my everyday life years ago. While I was struggling with feeling alone and completely different from so many people, my actions were making a statement. I didn't realize how I appeared from the outside, because inside I was an insecure, lonely girl trying to feel as if I belonged and felt loved. The independence and confidence that I exuded (something my mother instilled in me) is what they saw.

We all struggle with our inner conflicts. What we project to the world can sometimes seem so strong, yet inside we feel so powerless. Never one to burden people with my problems, I am sure I kept a lot to myself. I grew up with the mentality "The only person you can depend on is yourself". And while I was too proud to ask for help, I struggled alone trying to be strong. While I really felt quite lonesome on the inside.

I was social, friendly, outgoing, yet I spent a lot of time alone. I lived on my own in college for eight years. I went to movies alone. I went to restaurants alone. I went to dance clubs alone. I liked the independence of leaving when I wanted, going where I wanted, and living as I wanted. And I also knew I had too many quirks that I would drive anyone crazy if they lived with me. I liked everything in its place and had my own system of organizing and doing things. I knew if I lived alone, I could have things my way. And I liked the idea of being completely free of any dependence on any one.

I suppose this is why it took me so long to realize that I had OCD. No one saw this part of me, because I lived alone. My husband was aware I was obsessed with housework and organizing, but I think he tolerated it because it was part of who I was. And I am sure he enjoyed always having a clean house, yet I was never able to stop and just enjoy life. We missed out on a lot, because I was never able to stop cleaning.

After a year on Zoloft, I am able to openly talk about this. I have no shame. I am just so relieved to enjoy life without the constant anxiety that I daily experienced. It is something worth sharing!

As I share my life stories with friends old and new, I realize that everyone has their own skeletons in their closets. All those people that seemed to have their shit together....they were just as messed up as I was. They had their own family disfunctions, anxiety, feelings of loneliness, and insecurities. I am, naturally, surprised to learn this, yet it doesn't seem odd or weird what they have had to overcome. We all carry our own crosses.

As we discuss these issues, the common thread is being a better person NOW so that the cycle doesn't repeat. And especially, if they are parents....making sure our children will NEVER have to live through the issues that we had to endure.

Our parents did the best they could. They made mistakes, too. Each generation wants more for their children than what they had.

Even though it took me 38 years to finally get help for my OCD, I know now that I am a better person medicated. Where I was deficient, I am whole. And I am able to give more to my children. I would have never guessed it would have taken a little pill to make things much easier inside my head. But it did. And I can be grateful that I am a better mother to my children. And they already have a much richer life than I ever had at their age.