While at Jeroen's open house at his work this past Sunday, I made acquaintances with one of the wives of Jeroen's team members. She asked me a question that I had recently asked myself.
What is the one thing that I find difficult with living in the Netherlands?
One of the mothers of Ana's friends also has a 16-year-old daughter. She is very aware that her daughter is sexually active, under her own roof and takes birth control pills. While I understand that sexuality here in the Netherlands is much more open and liberal and I've come to accept it, my religious background cannot help but feel a bit uncomfortable with the relaxed attitude. In an ideal world, my daughter would be a virgin when she married. I would have been a virgin when I married.
It's a touchy subject, I know. On one hand, teenagers will do what they want regardless if you give them permission to or not. Why not at least be aware of where they are having sex, with whom and that they are careful? Teenage protected sex in their parent's home, with consent, IS the norm here.
Still, the idea gives me the heebie-jeebies. I would rather Ana didn't have any baggage to carry on her wedding night. This is just one of the many issues I will face with raising a child in a culture that is and remains foreign to me. Having Dutch/American kids means that at age 16 they can drink alcohol in the Netherlands and get their driver's license in the US, and at 18 they can buy a gun in the US and drive a car and smoke a joint in a coffee house in the Netherlands. I've got an interesting 11+ years ahead of me!
What are your thoughts on this? I'd love to hear your comments.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
"Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy." ~Nora Ephron
About me
Hi. I'm Brigitte. I'm an American expatriate living in the Netherlands (Nederland) since 2002 with my Dutch hubby and our two kids. I'm enjoying the simple Dutch life...while trying to maintain some sense of sanity.
This blog
Most people buy a house, have a child, and move within a lifetime. I did all three within one year. Crazy has always felt like a normal state of mind for me.
I came to the Netherlands for the challenge, but I never expected how much I would learn about myself. Or how much I would change. This is my journey. Enjoy the ride.
I came to the Netherlands for the challenge, but I never expected how much I would learn about myself. Or how much I would change. This is my journey. Enjoy the ride.
5 comments:
Wow. It's stuff like this that makes commune/compound living seem like a good idea. I'm not sayin I wanna go Branch Davidian or anything, but how DIFFICULT it will be to protect your daughter (and son!) from that lifestyle when it is clearly the norm!
Do the adults who grew up that way have any misgivings about that amount of sexual freedom? Or, does something change, mentally, when you grow up without the idea of abstinence being driven into your mind? Do we, as Americans or Christians, carry sexual emotional baggage b/c we were raised that it is wrong before marriage? Or, do they also carry some of the same baggage even though they're raised to think it's okay?
I dunno, Brig. I don't envy you!
Katy = D
We had an interesting conversation when we first moved to Belgium. We had bought our home and were trying to figure out how to remodel the upstairs, which was a pretty blank shell. There was one supporting wall that couldn't be removed, separating what we wanted to make into the boys rooms. When Erwin said: Well, we need to separate the rooms with doors so that when Kaeden has a girlfriend over Jari won't be subjected to it...I about lost my marbles. What? You think my son will be having sex under my roof in his room? I wondered?
But I have come to accept that this is the norm and though it makes me slightly uncomfortable, I am starting to believe it is a much healthier way to raise children. Sex is eevrywhere, and they will be bound to find it...might as well have some control over it, as well as prepare them for it emotionally and health-wise.
Like you said, Brigitte, you wish it was you that had been a virgin bride...but sex found you too soon, and were you prepared? If parents support their children, they are going to grow up being much more capable adults in making their own choices.
Very interesting topic.
Ironically enough, my mother bought me all sorts of birth control when I was 16-years-old for "just in case". I thought she was off her rocker. I was adament to NOT have sex before marriage. However, I was a very insecure teenager who desperately wanted approval (always looking to be loved). Although I did not want to have sex at 16, I stupidly did because I thought my boyfriend would "love" me. Big mistake.
I never drank or did drugs when I was younger; I had no interest. But the one area I managed to NOT make good decisions about was sex. It had everything to do with growing up without a father. My parents were separated by the time I was one and divorced when I was nine. I never had much of a father figure in my life and constantly looked for that love in the men I dated and too easily gave in to sex. Look at the statistics, girls who grow up with an absentee father have sex at an early age.
I went to church, I was in the youth group, and I prayed. But I don't have many father/daughter bonding moments in my life. At least not when I was an adolescent, when I needed it most.
This is EXACTLY why when our daughter was born I told my husband, "You have a heavy task in front of you. Our daughter will look to you as the type of man she will date. How you treat her is how she will expect a man to treat her." I cannot tell you how many times I have looked at my husband and daughter sitting together, laughing, and enjoying each other's company and felt so thankful that Ana has the life I never had. She already has a better start than I ever had. And I believe that significant difference makes a HUGE difference. I am living proof.
While I may live in the Netherlands, it doesn't mean that I will allow many of the things that I disagree with to become the "norm" for me. I think the most important thing is to communicate to her the importance of staying pure, in every aspect. I can only guide her and hope she makes the right decision. The same goes with our son.
I have thought so much about this subject. Though not with regards to the Netherlands. I was a virgin when I married the 1st time, and it truly sucked, if I’d had more experience, in several things, I wouldn’t have married him. I am on my second marriage and if I had been a virgin for it, this marriage it would be rockier. I also grew up without a father. My mother was very crazy as well, though in a completely different way. I am conflicted. I feel that often we are teaching that sex is wrong, obviously that is not healthy. On the other hand, sexual promiscuity will lead to much un-happiness, and many many women/girls feel pressured to try to get and keep love though sex. What about men/boys and different standards? To be able to take care of a virgin bride/partner the male needs some experience or the female isn’t likely to enjoy it. How will these men/boys get that experience? I have decided to tell my daughter what I believe, that sexual congress is best saved for marriage and a loving partner, but that I will always try to respect her choices. I agree with you Bridget, that the way she interacts with her father(largely) and other friends and family will set her up positively or negatively for relationship experiences. The more self value she gains, the more respect, and affection she will expect and demand in her relationships. I think each and every soul has the most important choice of deciding what is right for them, when, and why. It is so hard as parents because we are supposed to guide them, and yet still ultimately let them chose. I think teaching them to rationally think through their feelings emotions and why they want to do something, is a great gift we can give them as parents, and will be a tool they can use in all decisions including sexual ones. When they come home from school whining cause every one in class is having sex and their parents know about it, you can just say what all our parents for generations have said. “If they were jumping off the sears tower - or whatever bridge, would you?” Or “not under my roof” your job as a parent isn’t for them to like you, it is to give them all they need to be productive and happy adults. Sex at a young age, in my opinion can distract from other things they need to be learning. Ok well that is it. I can go on and on. I love your socks/boots picture, couch, and blog title.
A Mother's Sex Education (from Joke of the Day)
A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.
Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."
Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.
The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"
Post a Comment