Nuts in Nederland

The year 2020 has been an unforgettable one.  In many ways.  First and foremost, the Corona Pandemic has vastly altered our lives.  But this year also started with the declaration that I have Bipolar Disorder.  At age 49 and years of suffering from this illness, I was diagnosed.  

However, that first entailed going to my boss at Avans (November 2018) and asking for help from a coach to help me with my teaching (I was struggling with classroom management during what I didn't realize was a manic episode).  I stopped taking my Prozac before the summer started because it was making me so sleepy.  But after nearly six months of being off it, I went off the deep end.  

In February 2019, When I arrived at my appointment with the coach, his first question was, "When were you born?" and I responded, "Are we going that far back?"  And we did.  Once I told him my whole history leading up until today, he just looked at me and said he was afraid he couldn't help me.  He said that his help would be "too light" and that I needed therapy.  At that moment I thought, "Thanks, I guess I'm just too f'ed up".  He advised me to contact my family doctor and seek a psychologist.  Later, I got into my car and just cried.  I went to him needing help and hoping to get it and instead I was told my issues were too big for him.  As soon as I got home, I sent my doctor an email explaining my situation and what I needed.  Not long after I received an appointment with the in-house psychologist at my doctor's practice.  After a few meetings with her, she referred me to a bigger psychological group called HSK.  

Once I made it to HSK in April 2019, I once again gave my life history.  Unfortunately, I didn't have the most stable of childhoods and experienced things that a young child shouldn't have to.  My mother also has Bipolar Disorder and had a psychotic episode when I was young.  Growing up with a mother with mental problems has affected me in many ways.  But I never expected to hear from someone that they thought I also had Bipolar Disorder.  And that's what I heard at HSK.  They were going to refer me to the GGz (the Dutch mental health care) to get a proper diagnosis.  Unfortunately, there was a five-month waiting period.  I went the entire summer, luckily back on my Prozac, waiting to get proper treatment.

By October I finally was able to go to the GGz.  I had an intake, talked to a therapist, and finally a psychiatrist.  The psychiatrist wasn't completely sure if I had Bipolar Disorder, he thought maybe ADD.  But after discussing my case with his team, it was concluded that I indeed did.  I hear this announcement at the beginning of 2020.  When I made it to the offices of the two people that were going to start my therapy and work with me for the coming year, I cried tears of relief.  After all this time, I was at the end and the beginning.  The end of trying to find help and the beginning of my therapy.