Nuts in Nederland

First blog post of 2011.  Here we go!

At the beginning of this year, I applied for (another) job. But this time I was excited, yet scared.  I wasn't just "applying" for a job to keep  my unemployment benefits, but I had finally found *the* job that I thought was *IT*.  I was so nervous to apply, because I wasn't prepared to deal with yet (another) rejection.  On the deadline date, I did it.  I applied.  Nervously, I applied.

And then I prayed.  I prayed that God would lead me to the job where He thought I would be best suited.  And then last Saturday I received a letter in the mail.  *THE* letter, from *THE* job.  And it wasn't the letter I was hoping to receive.  And somehow I convinced myself that everything was all going to be OK and that this was part of God's great plan for me.  

And then two days later, I felt complete despair.  Why do I keep hitting closed doors?  Why I am unemployable?  What is it about me that ends up rejected?  Rejection can really damage one's ego.  Yet I know some of the most successful people, ones that I admire, hit many closed doors before they became a success.  I think of some of the movies (based on true events), that truly inspire me.  Rudy.  Men of Honor.  The Pursuit of Happyness.  They never gave up.  Despite all the obstacles in front of them.  And they conquered the odds and made their dreams come true.

So, what is my dream?  The same it has always been.  To be a college professor.  I miss those days.  I LOVED those days.  And I want that feeling again.  I want to inspire, to give hope, and to see young people succeed.  My last job application was at a local university teaching communication (public speaking and interpersonal communication, my two specialities).  And that is EXACTLY what I want to do.  But I didn't get it.  

A friend of mine is trying to motivate me to start my own business as a Presentation Coach.  As much as I like that idea, it makes me feel uneasy.  I worry about feeling isolated as I would miss the day-to-day interaction with colleagues.  And I know how difficult it can be to have your own business (as my brother is a professional photographer).  You struggle every month to make your quota, you pay for your own retirement and taking vacation means losing income.  I'm just not entirely convinced of this endeavor.  

I am not sure where I am headed.  And I haven't known that for the last 1.5 years as I have looked for other employment.  I suppose I am really living in the moment, because aside from my orthodontist and chiropractor appointments and fitness classes, my agenda is wide open.

During this whole time I have been asking God, "What are you trying to show me?"  And I see more and more that this time off from work has been to focus on my family.  I love that my children come home to eat lunch everyday.  My relationship with my daughter is improving, something that has been a struggle for sometime.  And even my husband has seen how much more content and relaxed the children are since I've been home.  I still have a lot of goals to accomplish as a parent, and I know having this time at home has made it possible to work on those.  Sometimes I feel as if God is telling me that being a mother *IS* my job.  That the reason all the doors keep closing to me is that I am needed more at home.  And seeing my kids happy is a feeling of job satisfaction!