Nuts in Nederland

I've attempted a few blog postings in the past few weeks only to feel as if I wasn't getting anywhere with what was truly on my mind. Those posts now belong to the drafts box and I am going to finally make an attempt to get all the things that rattle around in my head out. Here goes.

We have now completed week three of the beginning of 2010, which also marks the beginning of a new life within our family. A life with two kids in school now. A life without a nanny. And a life with a different rhythm and structure. I think we are all finally getting the hang of it.

As much as I enjoy working until 3 pm so I can pick up the kids from school, I miss the luxury that once afforded me someone to run the errands and do the ironing while I was at work. Nevertheless, I am learning how to manage my time better and fortunately J helps out a lot around the house.

I am still looking for a new job. And I am still running into walls. So many opportunities end up road blocks in my future. And I have my limitations. I cannot work more than 24 hours. I cannot work where I have to commute more than 30 minutes. I cannot confidently take a job knowing I would have to correspond and write in Dutch, without mistakes.

I remain positive and hopeful that by May I will have a job. I know that God has a reason that it is taking this long. I know that He will lead me to the place where my talents can be used best. I know this. I am faithful.

But, I do have my moments. Moments where I feel impatient. Inferior. Hindered. And all the positivity in me just melts away and I feel stuck. And at those moments I just give in to the feelings and allow myself to feel frustrated. Because I know I have to get those feeling out of my head so I can move on. I allow myself to cry, to feel sad, and every other emotion I'm feeling.

When I used to feel like this when I was younger, I would get in my convertible and drive. Drive with the top down and the wind in my hair. I'd let all my thoughts come and go as I would drive. Sometimes I would stop in a secluded spot by a park and just pray. And once I finished I always felt better.

I no longer have a convertible, but I do still like to drive as a means of clearing my head. I have found a spot in the woods that is perfect for being alone. It's just those moments are so sparse. There aren't many child-free days where I have that freedom to get in my car and drive. Most of the time I have to take a personal day off when the kids are in school, but those days are so few and far between.

Most of the time I just escape to our bedroom, alone, and read a book or watch some TV. I need those quiet moments to myself to feel re-charged again. Just like now. Everyone is out of the house (for the moment), I have a few stolen minutes to myself. Just being able to sit here and get all of these thoughts out helps me so much. Then I can turn around and be myself again. The cheerful, friendly, and funny person I like. And not the quiet, sad, and lonely person I can sometimes be.

Perhaps I need to make a weekly date with myself to go to the gym and sit in the steam room. I love to do that, but I am mostly there with the kids and don't get the chance. During the week the gym is open until 10:30 and then I can go while J's home. This sounds EXACTLY what I need. A new place to go, alone.

I remember writing a column for my college newspaper and the title was called "Alone = All One." That is so right. You cannot give to other people unless you give to yourself. You cannot love other people until you love yourself. We all need time with ourselves to be whole.

And now I'm going to make that happen. Some "me time" is scheduled into my agenda.