Nuts in Nederland

Today I went back to work after having the last week off with the kids during the carnaval vacation here in the south of the Netherlands. I was ready for that vacation as I needed some down time to just chill out and not think about work.

The further I get to the end of my contract at work, the more difficult it seems to feel. I don't want to leave my job. I love my colleagues. I love where I work. I love it all. But there's no money to keep me there and I have to go. Damn credit crisis.

During dinner tonight I started crying in silence. I felt defeated. I'm tired of looking for jobs. And I'm tired of being rejected. I just want to know what's next. I want to be able to feel as if I know where my life is headed. And this uncertainty is getting to me.

In the beginning of my job search, I was positive, I was hopeful. But now it's nearly a year later and I'm just tired. I want to have something positive to look forward to. I want to know that all the time I spent in grad school isn't going to go down the drain. And that all the money I am paying back on my student loans affords me a job that compensates my education.

I'm almost forty and I need to be at a place in my career where I can be getting experience in the field where I want to go. I don't want to waste time in a job where I'm not happy, challenged, or rewarded for my intelligence. I don't want to end up settling for a job just for the paycheck. But sometimes I feel as if that may be my last alternative. If not, a temporary alternative.

During the vacation I forgot to take my Zoloft in the morning and took it later in the evening. I did this twice. And that had a negative consequence. I caught myself getting frustrated, my thoughts began to race and I was short with the children. It only re-confirmed that I DON'T want to go back to the life I endured for 38 years as someone with OCD. Now that I am this side of normal, I don't want to go back to crazy.

I am sure if I weren't medicated now, I would be crying a lot more. With the whole job situation and being constantly pre-occupied with finding a job, I am sure my mind would be on overload and I would feel overwhelmed. But thankfully I don't have to live that way anymore. And I cannot tell you how much better life is to have a clear mind. Or at least to have control over my thoughts and rationalize and talk myself out of irrational behaviors.

Despite the dreariness of going to a job that's ending, I am grateful for my time while I have it. I couldn't ask for a better job. And I am confident that God has a plan and a purpose for why this job quest is taking so long. I hold fast to my faith. I know in the end, it will all make sense why things had to happen the way they did. I just haven't reached that point yet.