Nuts in Nederland

It's not often that I am stressed.  In fact, I strive to be as laid-back and easy-going as possible.  I don't like drama.  I don't like to make an issue of something that can easily be resolved.  And most importantly, I want people to feel at ease around me.  

But the one thing that can send me over the edge, is the feeling of being overwhelmed.  If there is too much on my to do list and not enough hours in the day to finish it all, I start to feel out of control.  I want to accomplish as much as possible, even if it means staying up all night to finish it.  

Before taking Zoloft, I used to stay up until 3 am mopping my floors, organizing the attic, and ironing clothes.  Everything HAD to be done.  Slowly I learned that not everything had to be completed TODAY, and that things could wait.  However, I still have my moments where I feel that I can't keep up.

Some times my head is so full that I cannot keep track of what I am doing.  Why was I headed to the kitchen?  Where did I put my keys?  What did you just say?

I am still unemployed.  And while that used to stress me out and worry me, I am trying to take advantage of this time that I have with my children.  However, with all this extra time on my hands, I find myself wanting to take on too much.  I have to often stop myself from volunteering to help, which is sometimes difficult.  

I am active at the children's school.  I help out when asked, although I have to be careful not to neglect my own affairs at home.  I am secretary of the P.T.A. (ouderraad) and that involves a lot of my time behind the computer.  And I just started volunteer training to visit mothers in prison.  And I still have three more full days of training to go.  And once I am finished, I will spend an hour a week visiting with these women.

I would love to do more.  But I know I cannot if I want to keep my sanity.  And I still have to continue to look for work, which hasn't proved fruitful.  I continue to apply for jobs (hoping to at least get an interview), but then get immediately rejected.  

I think the bottom line here is that I try to tackle too much alone.  I often neglect to ask for help.  I am sure that has a lot to do with all the years I lived alone and depended only on myself.  I can do a lot of things by myself and I take pride in knowing that I can use power tools, change the oil in my car and tackle just about anything that has a manual.  I will risk getting shocked simply because I am too proud to ask for help.

It's tough.  I was raised by a single mother who told me repeatedly as a child, "Don't depend on a man for your happiness."  That motto was drilled into my head.  And I often find myself feeling like a single mother myself.  I can do everything without my husband.  Or at least I think I can.

But moments like today when I look at my house and only see a million projects that need to be completed, chores to be done and groceries to buy, I fall apart and cry.  I finally break down and let it all out.  I. CANNOT. DO. IT. ALL. ALONE.  

I call my husband at work to ask him where the laptop is, because I need it to take care of some administrative things. I cannot find the laptop and I NEED IT!  He senses there is something wrong, and asks, "What's wrong?"  And then I tell him as I cry, "I am overwhelmed."

He calmly tells me to make a list, prioritize the things that need to be done today and the rest he will help me with in the weekend.  WOW.  How simple can life be?  And why do I think I have to conquer the world on my own?  

Once again, Jeroen proves to be my rock.  He's the voice of reason when I am feeling emotional.  He's the one that can calm me down and make me feel secure.  I don't know why I try to do everything without him, because it's obvious I need his help.  I'm not alone in this marriage, even if I have always felt I had to do so many things without him (because he was busy working).  

My need to be independent and self-sufficient has actually pushed us further away from being a team.  Some times our strengths can be our weaknesses.  And this would be one of them.  I struggle with being a team player when I have spent most of my life doing things on my own.  I know if I don't count on anyone else, I cannot be disappointed.  And I know the job gets done, when I want it done.  And that's something I have to get used to.  Not everything happens exactly when I want it to, especially when you are waiting on some one else to get it done.  

It's the same principle with God.  When we try to live this life without Him and go our own way, it can be a more difficult road to travel.  But when we allow our faith to follow Him, trust that He is going to lead us onto the right path, and have the patience to wait until the journey has finished, the end result is amazing.  Most of the time, God's plan is much better than we could have ever imagined.  

I take this struggle that I am going through as a lesson.  We need other people.  We need God.  We need to stop and ask for help.  No man is an island.